[empty.love]

I still breathe.

2008-08-04T07:40:37Z

Barely.

I miss this, though.

vider_lamour @ 2007-02-11T02:22:00

2007-02-11T08:23:58Z

Wow.
Wow.
Wow.

I really like you!

hmmmft.

2007-02-01T21:17:48Z

I'm so nervous for this weekend. I just don't want to imagine the embarrassment and shame I'll feel if I don't go onto Sectionals. Last year, the entire team made it to sectionals. I'm worried our whole team will do well, sans myself. Fuckkkkk. My stomach's churning.

It's snowing out. and for the first time in a while, I want to go play in it...

Ryan's got a boyfriend. Hah. I guess I need to catch up. They are happy. It sucks seeing them together though, not only because it's just... awkward. But because it's weird as hell to see him be even remotely physical with someone else. Good for him though, right? Right. We're still best friends. No one, including a new boy, will come between that. I don't think...

Plans for the next few days are as followed:

Thursday -
+ School
+ Home for a bit
+ New speech suit
+ Haircut
+ Hanging out with Ryan?
+ NO MUSICAL REHEARSAL!

Friday -
+ School
+ Home
+ "Mock Regional" (entire team + family members are coming) at the school
+ SLEEP EARLY

Saturday -
+ Regionals at 7:30 am
+ Making it to Sectionals?
+ Not making it to Sectionals?
+ Either way, PARTYING.

Sunday -
+ Church
+ Taco Bell with Ryan and Kyle
+ Chilling out the rest of the day

"The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love."
Margaret Atwood

You always said you liked the red grapes the most.

2006-09-07T23:34:26Z

I really did love you.

Please don't do this to yourself.

I will pay for 30 million Steak N Shake meals.

I will fake liking even the worst of coffee.

Is this some sort of early "birthday present"?

Just don't do this.

I really ~~did do love you.~~

I've decided that sometimes my efforts are kind of pointless...

Into the dark...

2006-07-19T07:53:46Z

My biggest acomplishment of the week:
watching all of Death Cab's video
for I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

I walked away tear-free.
My heart ached a bit.
But... aching is okay once in a while.

I hope you are enjoying yourself.

Sound off, we're going to L.A.

2006-07-18T17:09:14Z

We are not going to Ireland until the 23rd.
Ryan's uncle is going into surgery on the 21st.
His mom wants to be in the states
while her brother is going under the knife.
I guess that's fair.
I'm still a bit mad.
Ah, but I shall get over it.
Soon.
We are leaving in 5 days.

My little sister's birthday is today.
I got her a few gifts while spending time in Chicago.
Which was wonderful.
I would have liked to see Hunter,
but I got over it every time I looked at how adorable Ryan was
trying to navigate through the city.

Alright,
I'm going to end this.
I'm crazy bored.

vider_lamour @ 2006-07-17T16:44:00

2006-07-17T21:45:21Z

I hate goodbyes.

They aren't ever fair.

vider_lamour @ 2006-07-16T01:17:00

2006-07-16T06:17:59Z

I feel better.

Thanks to...

Kelli [the card was beyond nice of you]
Scott [thank you for contributing to my revival]
Brandon [I'm glad things are alright between us]
Ryan [mmm :)]
My mother [odd, I know]

Ireland in...
4 days!

vider_lamour @ 2006-07-14T17:08:00

2006-07-14T22:17:11Z

I'm feeling a bit odd lately.
All I've wanted to do is get drunk and forget.
Everything.
Mainly a specific boy.
Things got so stale so fast.
And I shouldn't care, right?
I mean... I am perfectly content with Ryan, right?
...Right?
I don't know...

I'm leaving for Ireland in about 6 days.
I'm nervous.

My best friend is leaving [on the 21st] to go live in Colorado
to be with some boy he met on myspace.
I'm upset.
He completely admitted that he probably won't see me again.
He could have lied to make me feel better about all of it.

I don't knwo what to think anymore.
I need help.

Um so.

2006-07-14T20:02:52Z

Hangovers aren't fun.

vider_lamour @ 2006-07-14T00:33:00

2006-07-14T05:33:55Z

Im drunk/
I amde out with rbandon.

mhmasmhdfl hahaha

Manly Man

2006-07-13T00:12:27Z

I don't care about the computer much anymore.
I don't care about a lot anymore.

Cornerstone was nice.
I met a lot of genuinely amazing people.
I miss them all very dearly already.
I plan on driving to Baton Rouge to visit a whole lot of them soon.

Spending an entire week with Ryan was amazing.
And I get to spend another entire two with him soon.

This could either make our break a relationship.

My fingers are crossed.

I don't want my long hair
pretty green eyes with-
no I do not have on mascara-
Eyelashes
Skinny figure
Undersized T-shirt

Hips
Shake
Too
Much
when I walk

Confuse anyone...

I am a Manly Man!

Within this sissy frame
obviously rib laden chest
lies a heart
that beats

to the drum of a
Native American ritual dancing
wildness

It pumps an evercascading suppy of untamedness
that a herd of wild mustangs have yet to grasp.

If danger lurks about, I will seek it out.
If adventure abounds, there I will be found.
If a damsel be in distress

I will show her who is best.

I am a Manly Man!

Because I don't flush
and I leave the lid up.

I drive a nineteen
eighty-eight
Ford Pick-up truck.

Girls don't break up with me
I break up with them first!
(except the last time, it didn't really work out that way)

I don't shave the hair on my face
(because there really isn't any,
but when I can grow hair I won't shave it.)

Because beards are tough.
I fart
burp
spit
when I want

Not caring who is nearby

Disrespect my momma
and I will punch you in the eye!

I am a Manly Man!

Or am I?

I tell my guy friends that I love them.
And sometimes, I even hug them.
No I'm not gay.

I just love them.

When I watched Bambi
I cried.
When my mema gets mad
I still run and hide.

Like David I want to be a man after God's own heart.
I'm not there yet, but I'm past the start.

And when people talk
I try to listen
a spirit of compassion
That's my vision.
Surely I am a Manly Man
I want to be loved
and have love
and give Love.
(and not just that romantic kind either)

Although I am looking for that beauty
Not helpless
But wants to be rescued.
The Damsel in distress
Man
Woman
Myth
True.

I will fight for her.

Climb the highest tower for her

Love her.

Share with her.

Delight in her.

Be her warrior.

Her protector.

She will be my crown
and I will be hers.

My Masculinity will be passed down
and affirmed to my sons.

Each of my daughters will know they are lovely
and deserving of authentic romance.

Society tells me all day long

That I have defined manhood completely wrong.

But you ask any honest man and he will agree
You ask any honest woman and she too will see

That I am a Manly Man!

vider_lamour @ 2006-07-10T13:38:00

2006-07-10T18:38:46Z

Happy Birthday.

I am too sure that you hate me to tell it to you any other way.

UpsideDown.InsideOut.

2006-06-30T05:48:25Z

Ryan and I are going back out.

For the 1 millionth time.

I'm happy with him.

Finally.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My Next few weeks are sure to be busy.

Friday, June 30th
12-5pm: Babysitting
6-10pm: Drew's Birthday Party
10.30-whenever: Tim's Birthday party

Saturday, July 1st
6-whenever: Party at Kyle's.

Sunday, July 2nd
8-10am:Church
12-2.30: Driving to Rockford
4-12pm: All American Rejects Concert in Rockford [starts at 6]
Afterwards: Staying the night in Rockford at Kyle's huge ass mansion.

Tuesday, July 4th
I.HAVE.NO.CLUE.WHAT.TIME: HUGE party are Liz's.

July 5-9th
Cornerstone Christian Music Festival

Sunday, July 16th
12am-whenever: Chicago. Getting sister present for her birthday.

Tuesday, July 18th
All day: Rebekah's birthday party

July 20th-August 3rd
Ireland with Ryan/his family

Thursday, August 7th
Uncle's birthday

AFTER THAT
School Shopping.
Start of Senior year.
Mae concert in Chicago.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

yikes.
<3

vider_lamour @ 2006-06-28T19:00:00

2006-06-29T00:07:18Z

New Dog:

Black Lab Mix.
Female.
Abandonned by family.
3 years of age.
Previously referred to as Gillian.
New Name [Given By Me]: Sparxxx.
Currently: Sleeping right next to me.

Family meeting tonight to determine her "real" name.

I will still call her Sparxxx.

No matter what.

vider_lamour @ 2006-06-28T16:07:00

2006-06-28T21:18:47Z

I got to run around town with some of my best friends yesterday.
Nice and Bad.

At about 9pm, Kyle told me he is moving to Colorado to be with this boy he likes.
I was extremely upset.
He is one of my best friends.
He can't just...leave.

Things with "the love interest" are odd.
I don't know.
We are drifting.
This always happens.
We get close.
Really close.
Then something happens and we drift.
I don't like it.
But what can I do at this point?
Hopefully things will fix themselves like usual.

Things with ryan are also very odd.
As our trip to Ireland nears,
we are getting closer again.
I love it.
I love him.
He is my one and only life long best friend.
I will never... ever not have strong feelings towards him.
I can't.
And I really cannot wait to spend the best 2 weeks of my life with him.
I couldn't ask for any better companion.

Speaking of companions.
We are getting a dog today.
I don't know how to feel about this.
We already have 4 cats.
And I don't want to responsibility of taking care of another, larger animal.
Plus, the dog my family wants isn't even cute.

Also, I haven't been having any horrible dreams recently,
which is good news.
Let's keep it up, subconcious mind!

Time to go adopt a dog.

That's really none of your business.

2006-06-27T05:31:00Z

aint that the truth.

I've given up on all of this.

I need to hang out with:

Kyle.
Shannon.
Rachel.
Brandon.
andddd
RYAN.

before I die.

I've shown you the way out.

2006-06-26T17:19:56Z

Is my seat in hell assured even more when I say that I hope you meet him and find him beyond untolerable?

I don't care.

I'm starting to accept the fact that some people can't be beaten at much. [him being one of the lucky few]

Does he have more talent than I do? [Perhaps]

Does he look better next to you than I do? [Most likely]

Better grades? [Probably]

Bigger house? [Of course]

I can promise you with all seriousness that I have more heart than he could ever imagine possible. And I hope that someday that will be enough for you.

On another, less important, note, I have been having terrible dreams recently. The night before last, I had a dream about a kid bringing a bomb to a show. After a long negotiation process, he ended up committing suicide. Last night I had a dream that my friend, Brandon, made Rachel, Drew, Murphy, Drew's mom, and myself all line up on our knees with our hands on our eyes so we couldn't see. He then went to each of us and held a gun to different parts of our bodies [i.e. Neck, torso, spine, etc] I was the first he did this to. After he passed me, he went onto Rachel. I looked over at her through my fingers. He saw me looking and stormed back to my side. With the gun to my head he said, "Peyton. You are always here for all of your friends. But once you need the help, you try to take it all on by yourself. You need to realize that your friends are here to help you. You aren't invincable. Trust me...". Right before he shot, I woke up.

Odd, indeed.

God. I really hope you hate him.

You think too much; I like it.

2006-06-23T19:09:13Z

This is frustrating me.

This stomach feeling.

Which I should not be having.

LETS NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

Why are we just now talking?

Why are you so insanely... interesting.

Why do I feel so compelled to talk to you about the oddest things.

WHY do I like your glasses as much as I do?

Because we are each other's Indigo Children.

That is why, of course.

I am glad you took the leap.

vider_lamour @ 2006-06-21T19:34:00

2006-06-22T00:37:17Z

Things are weird.

'nuff said.

vider_lamour @ 2006-06-19T14:39:00

2006-06-19T19:51:09Z

I feel so gay right now.

Songs stuck in my head/playing on my iTunes:

SOS - Rihanna
Lady Marmalade - Christina, Pink, Mya, Missy, and Lil Kim
Every Time We Touch - Cascada
Digital Love - Daft Punk
Buttons - The Pussy Cat Dolls

What a faggot.

Seeing Hunter on the 25th.

Well atleast I am a happy faggot.

vider_lamour @ 2006-06-17T13:42:00

2006-06-17T18:59:02Z

So I really haven't been this upset in quite some time.

Last night was ridiculously horrible.

I was asked to bring a bunch of my friends to Champaign to a party.

But I really didnt want to. I wanted to go to Glen Ellyn.

So to kill tim until about 10 [which is when I planned on leaving bloomington], I went to my best friends CD release show.

Halfway through the show, my friends, who had already gone to champaign on their own, called me and told me that they car they had taken got towed while they were eating.

None of them had money.

I had to leave my best friends CD release show before he even played,

go to the bank,

take out 130 dollars,

drive to champaign,

get their car back,

and then watch them get drunk off of their asses.

they didn't have any remaining alcohol,

which would have easily fixed my mood for the night.

I have more complaints about tonight,

but to be honest I'd really just rather watch the US/Italy game of the World Cup for now.

vider_lamour @ 2006-06-16T11:05:00

2006-06-16T16:14:06Z

What do you do when your best friend tells you his older brother molested him?
[Maybe that's why he wants to catch him with another guy. It's his only proof.]

What do you do when he cuts himself and tells you sometimes he gets so scared of living life?
[That's why he doesn't go out as much anymore]

What do you do when you see a whole different side of someone you have known for almost all of your life? a side you don't want to know about.
[I guess it is for the best]

What do you do when you can't stop crying because loosing him would mean loosing your whole heart?
[I can't even think about it...]

What do you do when you constantly see him getting used by other boys, and really all you want to do is show him what love is?
[If he only knew]

I'm not drinking anymore.

vider_lamour @ 2006-06-13T18:32:00

2006-06-13T23:43:59Z

so I really need to stay at home more often.

I know how ridiculous that sounds, trust me.

but there hasn't been ONE night of the summer so far where I haven't gone out.

So far, I have built up a tolerance for NoDoz [caffeiene pills] and I haven't slept for 63 hours.

I need to sleep so bad,

but whenever I make an attempt, I just sit there and stare at a foreign object.

I have thrown up my last two meals,

due to lack of self esteem.

and I have been working out constantly [Chicago on the 30th, 31st, and 1st]

As a result of all iof this, I have barely any pigment in my face left.

I am a wreck...

I am going to sleep....

vider_lamour @ 2006-06-12T00:17:00

2006-06-12T05:19:54Z

Every time I am unsure of whether or not I still love you
or whether or not you still love me...

you do something. or say something.
that brings back all of the emotion
I started with.

I am left baffled and amazed by you.

Please....... don't let me down when I come see you.